


You Are Heartless

by AmbitiousHeart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Misunderstandings, a little bit of angst and a little bit of humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:40:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmbitiousHeart/pseuds/AmbitiousHeart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa admits she cares for Clarke, with a twist. Things go badly, or does it? Clexa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> First posted this on Tumblr and FFN - now I'm starting to upload here.

Blood pounded in Lexa’s ears. How _dare_ she? Sure, Clarke wanted to protect Octavia, wanted to trust her friend, but she had crossed a pretty clear line. Each word was a cut and Lexa had given her the blade by trying to open up to the girl. She was so stupid for telling her those things in the first place, for trying to trust her.

“ _Get. Out_.” She seethed.

Clarke wasn’t about to back down. She was on a mission and she wasn’t going to stop until she got what she wanted out of this encounter. And just what was that? Octavia’s safety? An admission of truth? To prove that Lexa’s decisions were the wrong ones?

“Two Hundred and fifty people _died_ in that village. I know you felt for them,” Clarke delivered the final blow. The most recent thing Lexa was killing herself about at night or in quiet spaces. It was like air floating from her lungs hearing the words out loud, especially coming from her. “But you let them _burn_.”

Lexa didn’t have anything to say. She tried to retort but nothing came out. She just swallowed and felt the words she most wanted to keep in fall out.

“Not everyone.” It was just louder than a whisper. She felt sick with dread, but there was nothing she could do. Her last defense was already being said. “Not you.” The truth was out and now she had to face whatever consequences it would bring.

Clarke took a step back, her eyes flicking from place to place. She was off put by this. By _her._ She had to be, why else wasn’t she saying anything? _  
_

Lexa had to look away. She wasn’t going to betray the hurt she felt if she could help it. Why had she said anything? It wasn’t like she honestly thought Clarke would feel the same way.

“Well, if-“Clarke started to say. The blonde narrowed her eyes at Lexa in a look of either confusion or disgust. The commander feared it was a horrible mixture of both. “ _What?_ ”

She didn’t respond. She was uncertain if should could without completely betraying herself. If she could just hold it together through this exchange then maybe she could save face, but Clarke’s eyes were on her. Questioning. Lexa felt as if she were shirking under the weight of her gaze.

“Forget I said anything.” Lexa tried to sound commanding rather than looking for an escape. She made a motion to move to the side and do just that, but Clarke grabbed her arm.

Her heart fluttered, eyes on Clarke’s hand, unsure if she should be angry or filled with anticipation. She closed her eyes. It was a stupid thought. The blonde was crossing lines. Lexa felt vulnerable and that was one thing she had vowed to never be, not when she felt so unsafe.

It was anger.

“I want a straight answer,” Clarke sounded so sure of herself, as if whatever she asked of Lexa she could get it out of her. Of course she would think that way, when Lexa had just given her every reason to believe so. When she had bent under just a few harsh words. _Stupid_. “You care about me…?”

Lexa looked her in the eyes and spoke, trying to keep her voice firm. “You heard what I said.” She _wanted_ to be angry, but looking at her just made her feel sad and sick and weak. She tore her eyes away, turning her head to face some other direction, _any_ other direction. Her voice was hoarse, “Now _let go_ of me.”

Clarke had a look of bewilderment on her face as if she had forgotten she had even grabbed her to begin with and stepped back. That didn’t matter. Lexa wanted her to know she was mad. She brushed passed her, knocking her shoulder into the other girl’s.

She stalked off to the little nook where her bed was, keeping her back to Clarke. That was childish. She was being childish. She needed to somehow salvage this, smooth it over, but she was not okay. She could not handle that. Not in the moment. She needed her to leave.

“Lexa,” Clarke didn’t seem to get that hint. That little shove had done it. She had gone from being either shocked or uncomfortable to being ticked off.  The girl followed her across the tent space. “I’m just a little confused-“

“Then go be confused somewhere else.” She urged her.

Clarke wasn’t dropping it. She didn’t seem to get that Lexa needed to calm down and needed space to do that, she just seemed to think she wanted to avoid her and erase it and it only made both of their frustration grow. “You can’t just say something like that and then shut me out!”

“Stop telling me what I can and can’t do, Clarke.”

“I just don’t get why you told me this and then-“

“You want to know why?” Lexa rounded on her and Clarke took a step back. “You called me a liar, so I told you the truth!” Her voice was shaking, her hands were shaking. She didn’t know if it was from sadness or anger or fear. It was all a swirl, a great churning through every bone in her body.

Clarke’s eyes were wide. “I-,” she stuttered, “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings I-“

“I don’t _have_ feelings!” Lexa shouted. Her skin felt hot.

From her tone Clarke continued to back off, but once the words had completely come out she held her ground. “Really, Lexa?”

Lexa refused to shrink back. “Leave. _Now_.”

“No, I’m not leaving just because you’re…”She gestured around them, while she searched for the words, “throwing a fit because you can’t handle giving me time to process what you just said!”

She was at a complete loss, wasn’t that exactly what Clarke was doing to her? Not letting her alone to process? What had she been thinking? What was she even doing? What was happening? What happened? How? She felt sick. Sick with herself, the situation, her feelings and how crushed she felt. Lexa set her jaw and took an intimidating step forward.

“You’re right.” she clipped. Intimidating wasn’t the right word. It would have been if it wasn’t for the tears about to slip down her cheeks. “You are a hypocrite.” She took a sharp breath and swallowed. She couldn’t keep them in. This was the worst she had felt in years. This was the reason she said the words that led Clarke to call her what she was about to speak. “ _You_ are the one who is heartless.”

She turned around again, back to her nook. Clarke had undoubtedly seen it but if she was going to cry she wasn’t going to let her see any more of it. A shudder ran up her spine. _This_ was why.

Clarke’s voice had softened.  “Lexa, I’m sorry I didn’t-“ she stumbled over her words. She was trying to apologize and Lexa could appreciate that, but it was too much. She was done. She couldn’t handle any more, not right now. “I’m sorry I didn’t think how-“ Clarke placed her hand of Lexa’s shoulder. It was supposed to be comforting, but Lexa was on edge and jolted.

“ _Don’t touch me!_ ” She snapped and knocked Clarke’s hand away. She turned to see her guards rushing in and circling around the blonde.

Both girls’ expression shifted to surprise. Lexa had all but forgotten that they were never really alone. They wouldn’t hurt her unless she gave them an order to. Clarke didn’t even had her weapon in hand anymore. Her gun was on the table where she must have placed it before apologizing. Still her guards look to Lexa for direction.

Her eyes drifted onto Clarke again, who took up a look of stark indifference. Lexa wasn’t the only one done with this whole exchange.

Lexa lifted her chin. “Escort her out,” her words came out quiet, she had no energy left for orders and no energy left to let Clarke stay. “We’re fine,” she added to quell the uncertain looks on her warrior’s faces. There wasn’t an altercation, her words assured, the alliance was intact.

This was a mistake. _Everything_. She should have listened to Clarke, she shouldn’t have opened up to her, she should have held her ground, she should have opened up more. Lexa didn’t know, her mind retraced the steps made trying to piece together what it was that led things to go so wrong. This had to be the worst ‘telling a girl your feelings’ ever.


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke tried to ignore the looks she got as Lexa’s guards removed her from the war-tent. Great, it looked anyone within a twenty yard radius had heard them. She had to get out of there.

Her heart was racing as she trudged back to Camp Jaha. What had just happened? She went in there hoping to convince Lexa into sparing Octavia – _Shit Octavia_. Clarke could have kicked herself. She had forgotten the reason she went in there in the first place! Lexa wouldn’t still have her killed, would she?

The image of the grounder leader calling her heartless flashed in her mind, tears bleeding the paint from her cheeks. She was certain the girl wouldn’t be leaving her tent for a while. 

A pang of guilt struck her. More than a pang, more like a stab.

No. Lexa had acted poorly. She was not going to take all the blame for this. Telling herself that, however, didn’t make her feel any better about it.

Octavia would be fine. Clarke had made her point clear. Lexa wouldn’t act on anger.

She found herself in engineering. Bellamy wouldn’t check in for another hour, but it was the first place where she thought she could be useful.

“No,” Raven called from her work station when she saw Clarke enter, “I don’t have another tone generator done yet.”

“That’s…not why I’m here.” In fact, Clarke didn’t really know why she was there. There was nothing to _do_ really. How had she kept herself busy the last few days when all they were doing was waiting for Bellamy’s report? Had she really spent _all_ that time with Lexa? Raven was looking her over, as if ready to combat whatever her next impossible request would be. She didn’t have anything to say. “I…”

Raven narrowed her eyes. “What happened?”

“I…” Clarke closed her eyes and took a deep breath, “think I really fucked up.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.” Her words were harsh, but there was a humor in her eyes. Raven motioned for Clarke to take a seat.

A wave of relief washed over her and she felt her shoulders relax. Maybe things weren’t ‘good’ between them, but they were good enough. “I can’t, _shouldn’t_ , be too specific,” Clarke spoke carefully as she sat down a stool across from her friend. She doubted Lexa would want anyone to know what happened earlier. “But I definitely offended Lexa, like I forgot that she could possibly have feelings.”

That was good, right? Vague enough that Raven shouldn’t be able to guess what happened, but not so much that the basic conflict was obscured. Clarke bit her lip, hoping that she wouldn’t ask too many questions and that she would take Clarke’s secrecy for what it was.

“She told you she has a thing for you, didn’t she?” Raven said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Clarke was taken aback. “How did you - ?”

“How did I know?” Raven looked at her like she was stupid. “C’mon Clarke, we’ve all seen how she looks at you.” Clarke let out an audible groan. “Wait you –“ Raven looked at her quizzically, “you didn’t know?”

She was thinking about it now. It was so clear. Every exchange, all the advice, all the looks, all the additions to her wardrobe. And her response had been silence followed by a confused look and a _‘what?_ ’. “Oh god…” Clarke let her face fall into her hands. “I’m horrible.”

“What did you do?” Raven asked.

“Let’s just say enough to get me removed from the premises.”  Seeing Raven’s reaction she added, “in my defense she shouldn’t have said it during a heated argument. That’s just bad timing.”

“Well, would there have been good timing?” At first Clarke thought Raven was being sarcastic, but the mechanic waved her hand indicating for her to answer. “Well?”

Clarke opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She didn’t know what to say. _Did_ she feel the same way? It wasn’t as if she didn’t notice things about Lexa, she just hadn’t seriously thought about it there wasn’t time to. She couldn’t afford to.

“I don’t know.”

She thought about her lips, about the look on her face when she said she cared. Her heart skipped a beat. She thought about patching her up after Pauna attacked or how she felt Lexa was the only one she could talk to lately about the decisions she was having to make.

“Yes?”

Sure she trusted her, but how far could she really? The peace with the Grounders was a thread at best. Lexa didn’t want a war between them, but how far did that extend with their people?

“No, I don’t-“

But maybe that was a stupid reason. Maybe that was irrelevant. If they had met under different circumstances, like on the Ark…

“Maybe?”

She only said maybe because she didn’t want to admit it. If they had met on the Ark, this wouldn’t have even been a question. That was the problem. They weren’t on the Ark. They were on the ground and it hadn’t been long since they had been enemies, and who knew how long it would be until they were again?

Raven wore an expression that looked on the verge of rolling her eyes or shaking her head. “Look. I don’t care what you end up doing, but there’s been groups around camp taking bets on whether or not the two of you have been hooking up and I’ve got to have something to tell them.” A sly smile worked up the corners of her mouth.

Clarke almost laughed. “What was your bet?”

“I figured it was 50/50. I don’t particularly like Lexa. Borderline hate her,” Raven added with a hint of seriousness, “and I haven’t been your biggest fan lately, I’ll admit.” She shrugged, “I decided neither of you deserved to get laid.”

Clarke shook her head, smiling with just a whisper of laughter again. This all felt like a breath of fresh air, a lightness, a sense of normalcy. It didn’t last long, she knew despite it all, nothing could be easy and she still had royally screwed up. She still didn’t have the time to spare, or energy, or the mental or emotional capacity required to start anything. Certainty not yet.

“So what do I do?”

“ _You’re_ the boss, Clarke.” Raven said plainly. “Figure it out.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody thinks Lexa got rejected. To quote JRoth: "Whoops."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and follow on this fic! It's my first clexa multichap and I'm new to AO3 so I'm just happy this is getting any hits at all! Final chapter should be up soon enough as well!

Lexa had thought this could just pass over, that Clarke was a reasonable person and keep it between the two of them. Apparently, she had not.

She almost couldn’t believe it. It was such a strange feeling. To think, she had thought she knew the girl well enough to trust and open up to her, when maybe she didn’t really know her at all. But it all didn’t seem right. Everything she knew about Clarke, every exchange they had, this just didn’t make sense.

Was it what she said? Lexa could admit that she might have overreacted, but certainly not enough to warrant this?

She felt like shit. Like absolute utter shit. So first, she tells Clarke that she cares for her and things blow up in her face and now the entire camp of the twelve clan’s armies was whispering about it. Lexa expected that people would know there had an argument, that much would be clear. What she shouldn’t have been hearing was that she couldn’t handle getting rejected and threw the Skaikru leader out.

Lexa felt humiliated. By Clarke, by her own people. She wanted to keep herself in her tent and away from it all, but that would only make things worse for her. That would make her look weak.

She should not feel this way. She should not be so disrespected. Lexa was the Commander of twelve clans. She needed to put an end to this.

Lexa motioned for her guards to follow her as she stalked up the hill towards Camp Jaha. If Clarke could storm into her camp to intimidate her, than she could do the same.

Her warriors backed out of the way when they saw her coming. It was partially out of respect and partially because they could see she was _furious_.

The Skaikru guards stiffened when they saw her, unsure of how they should act. “Where is Clarke?” she barked at the nearest one.

His eyes widened. “I – Uh, I don’t know…” he stammered. He looked to his partner, who shook his head and shrugged. He gave Lexa a cautious look before returning the other man’s gaze. _Should we tell her if we knew?_

Lexa glanced between the two. She was already on edge and was losing her patience faster than she normally would. How did they not know where their leader was?

The second guard fumbled to answer, seeing the look on her face. “Um, She’s – She’s probably in Engineering!” He glanced at the other guard again, “Or the medical ward? With the Chancellor?” The first guard nodded in agreement. Those were the two most likely places.

It was then that Lexa realized she had never set foot in their camp, while Clarke walked around hers’ like it was her second home. She had no clue what an ‘engineering’ was or where one might be. She didn’t know where their healers worked, where they were tending to mostly her people. “Take me there,” she demanded.

His voice arced to a higher octave. “I’m not sure we’re supposed to…”

“We’re not allowed to leave our post,” the other explained hastily. “But we could – uh…”

“What’s going on? Oh,” Lexa looked up to see Marcus coming towards them, “Commander.” Normally if she wished to see Clarke, she would send one of her warriors to their camp to deliver the message. Seeing her there personally caught him by surprise. “Are you here for Clarke?” He asked cautiously.  

She wondered if he had also heard what had happened, if he had at least he had the decency to not act differently. Lexa nodded in response.

Marcus looked warily at her guards momentarily before turning and motioning for her to follow. “Alright. I’ll take you to her.” A visible wave of relief fell over the Skaikru guards.

Lexa felt uneasy as they entered the large metal structure that was the base of their camp. Everything inside is was strange and made unfamiliar noises. She steeled herself off from it, keeping focus on the reason she was there and not on any distractions.

Marcus lowered his voice. “May I ask the reason of this visit?”

“There are things of an urgent nature we need to discuss,” She said vaguely, before adding, “I’m sure you could venture a guess.”

The man nodded slowly. So he had heard after all. He eyed the guards following dutifully behind her. He knew they were there as protection for their leader, but he spoke his concerns anyway. “Your guards will give off a certain impression.”

“Good.” Lexa replied impassively. She noticed Marcus has stopped at a corridor’s entrance and stopped as well. There was a sign that read ‘Engineering’ with a second hand written sign attached that read ‘Raven’s Office GTFO’ “This is where Clarke is?”

“Down the hall and to the left.” He explained.

Lexa nodded and started towards it. There were two rooms off of the corridor, one on either side all the way down at the end of the hallway. There were two rows of doors to pass through from the hallway to the room, one large and sealed and another glass door further in. When she approached it, she wasn’t certain how it would open, but suddenly as she drew closer it split apart on its own. It startled her but she didn’t show it, casting a stern look at the one guard who jolted.

Through the glass door, she could see Clarke and Raven sitting on stools around a table covered in tech and metal junk. The two broke off their conversation when they heard the doors open, looking as surprised to see her there as everyone else that saw her pass through camp.

Clarke stood up, her lips moving to ask _what_ but before the word could come Lexa had command of the room.

She turned her sharp gaze on the mechanic. “You. Leave us.”

Raven dropped what was in her hands and looked like she was ready to leap across the table and fight her. “I’m _working_ here.” Her tone was enough to spark her guards to move forward.

“Wait.” Clarke held out a hand at each party to ease the tension. “Raven’s work is important. If you want to talk in private, we can move across the hall.”

Her guards looked to her for direction. Lexa ignored them, not removing her gaze from Clarke. She nodded in admission.

The blonde let her arms drop. Whatever mood she had been in before they arrived, it had soured in the seconds of their interaction. She lead them out, not before casting Raven a look that Lexa couldn’t quite place.

When they came to the door to the next room, Lexa turned to her guards. “Wait out here.” She ordered before following Clarke in.

The room looked the same as the one they had just left, but it looked like there was a lack of any work getting done there. “If anyone is in here,” Clarke called, “Get out.” When there was no response, she turned to face Lexa. “We’re alone,” she confirmed. Clarke searched her face, “Did something happen?”

Did something happen? Had she already forgotten what she did? No, she reminded herself, she would not lose her cool. She was there to do what Clarke had done, make her own up to it and make sure no one questioned her authority. “You tell me, Clarke.” She spoke evenly, her mouth twitching as she said her name.

Clarke narrowed her eyes. “I’m not following.”

“Playing dumb isn’t very becoming of you.”

“Does this have to do with what happened before?” Clarke asked. She looked like she really didn’t know what Lexa was talking about. Had she done it without realizing the effect it could have? Was that why she wasn’t getting it?

Lexa quelled her confusion at the other girl’s response. Intimidation. That’s what she was going for. She took a step forward. “You walk around my camp like you own it. You speak and act like you have something over me. Don’t think for a moment that you do.”

“I’m really not sure what’s going on.”

“What do you think you are going to gain with this act?” She hitched her chin, a cool curiosity falling over her features. “It’s cowardly. Relying on cheap tactics and then pretending the blame isn’t on you.”

“I’m serious,” Clarke insisted, “I don’t know what this is about.” She took a step back. Lexa took another step forward.

Lexa rolled her eyes. She was sick of this. “The whole camp knows what I told you!” She snapped, a bitter ferocity in her voice.  Clarke jumped at her sudden intensity, stepping back again. Lexa stepped forward again. She was to be angry, intimidating, a force to respect or fear. Her stomach knotted. “You expect that to weaken me, to what end?” This felt…bad.

Clarke was backing herself into a wall, eyes wide. “I swear I didn’t- I only told Raven and she didn’t tell anyone, I’ve been with her the whole time!”

“You expect me to believe that!” But why would she lie? Lexa cursed in Trigedasleng. She shouldn’t question. That was Clarke’s tactic after all – to make her doubt herself, wasn’t it? She moved closer, nearly closing the space between them. “I am no fool.” Her eyes dropped to Clarke’s lips for a moment. Her heart felt heavy.

Clarke went defensive, and her defense was to attack. “You _are_ if you think you can have a private conversation in a tent!” It was like a switch had been flipped, from concerned to upset. “And you know what? I didn’t have to tell Raven, she guessed. Apparently everyone already knew!”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” Her heart pounded fast. While what Clarke said made some sense, backing down would only prove that Clarke had weakened her. She couldn’t have that. If what she said was true, then what was Lexa’s goal here? What was she expecting to get out of this to prove herself?

Clarke echoed her thoughts, her words hard, “Why are you here?”

 _You’ve made me look weak._ Lexa swallowed down the words and clenched her fists. She shouldn’t have come, but now that she had she couldn’t escape it. She didn’t come here to earn Clarke’s respect. To a degree she had that. Lexa came there to prove that it didn’t matter what she felt, she wouldn’t let Clarke have power over her. That she wouldn’t give her special privileges. Clarke was to be like any other leader she dealt with. No one could talk to Lexa the way she did, no leader could act the way Clarke did in her presence. Like any other leader if respect didn’t work, fear would.

It shouldn’t matter that her chest felt like it would burst around her or that she felt light in her presence. It didn’t matter that she felt safe around her, something she had not felt in many years, and that she wanted to protect Clarke as well. Lexa wanted to talk with her, about anything, everything. She wanted to be near her, see her, feel her presence. It didn’t matter.

She had to make a choice.

Clarke’s features softened as if she could sense Lexa’s turmoil. “Can we just talk? Like humans?” She added with a little smile.

That was all Lexa wanted. To talk. Like two humans that weren’t in the positions that they were. _We are what we are._

Lexa closed her eyes and ducked her head. “You don’t understand,” Her words caught in her throat, but she continued on, “how _lucky_ you are. That you are dealing with me. _Any_ of the other clan leaders would have killed you and your people over too many things to count now.” Clarke shifted, about to step out from her position against the wall. Lexa’s arm shot out, her hand hitting the wall just above the girl’s shoulder. “ _Don’t_.” She warned.

The blonde looked startled. This was not going however she thought this was going to go, and she didn’t like it. Lexa tried to reason with herself that that was a good thing. It didn’t feel that way. “Don’t think for a second that you’re exempt. I get what I want.” It felt wrong.

Lexa searched Clarke’s face. She had got what she came for and she felt awful for in. She bit her lip and turned away. That was it. She was leaving.

She got halfway across the room when she heard Clarke’s angry footsteps coming from behind her. “No,” the girl said, grabbing her by the shoulder and turning her around, “ _I_ get what _I_ want.” Clarke yanked her into a rough kiss.

Before Lexa had the chance to register what was happening, Clarke pushed her away again.

“ _Fuck_ you,” Clarke spat, “get the hell out.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly uncertain if this chapter warrants a higher rating...?

Lexa wasn’t moving. Which Clarke _should_ have expected if she had remotely thought her actions through. The Commander didn’t know how to respond, and for once couldn’t hide the look of complete shock and confusion on her face.

The brunette tried to collect herself. She shift her weight back. “What are you playing at?” Lexa spoke cautiously.

“I’m not ‘playing’ at anything,” Clarke answered honestly. Then continued a little less truthfully, “I said I get what I want and I want you to leave.” She wasn’t sure she _did_ want Lexa to leave. She was upset, but she wasn’t sure what she wanted.  “ _You’re_ the one who seems to think there’s an agenda behind everything.” She added.

“In my experience, there always is.”

Lexa still wasn’t moving to leave. She just watched Clarke carefully, looking like she would split at any sudden movement.

She seemed to accept what Clarke had said. “Why?” Lexa asked in almost a whisper.

“Why what?” Clarke knew what she meant. The kiss. She was embarrassed by the sudden action and had already been feeling defensive.

“Why did you kiss me?” Lexa asked, “if not to trick me?”

Clarke hesitated. She didn’t have an answer. It had been a heat of the moment response. After a moment she answered, “I care about you too Lexa.”

There it was. It was out. Lexa leaned back as she comprehended what she had said. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what would be enough or what would be too much.

“But you’ve also been acting pretty awful. And yes,” She added before Lexa could say anything, “I have too, hypocrite, remember?” It was a joke, sort of. She was mad at Lexa and there was that part of her that wanted to hang on to that, even if she could understand why the brunette had acted the way she did.

Lexa shifted her weight onto on foot. She looked half like she wanted to apologize and half like she could kill her with a look. After a moment she asked quietly, “Do you want me to leave?”

At that Clarke felt herself relax. She shook her head. There was no point in being upset about a few misunderstandings. “No,” She said finally. “I don’t know what I want.” She let herself slump back onto one of the stools. She glanced down at her hands. “Rather, I know what I want, I don’t know what to do about it.”

Lexa took a careful step forward. Her eyes darted from the empty stool next to Clarke, to the space between them, to Clarke. Whatever she was thinking, she seemed to think better of it. The brunette watched her face, eyes settling on her lips. “Would it really be so bad?” She asked softly, “Being with me?”

Clarke looked up at her. Lexa looked so vulnerable. She feared her words were true, that who she had to be to lead her people had made her unlovable and unable to love. “No.” Clarke said firmly. “That’s not what I meant.”

The Commander straightened her back, feeling a tiny ounce of relief. It fell from her quickly, however, knowing that there was still something between them. Clarke wished the other girl would break eye contact first because she couldn’t pull herself away, but it hurt watching her put her walls back up. “Because we are of different people.” It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t accusatory. It was simply sad.

Clarke didn’t want to lose this moment of openness. She didn’t want to see Lexa hurt. She wanted to comfort her, but couldn’t find the right words. “What would we do once this is over?”

“Are you asking so that I may convince you?” Lexa asked, “Or to have me convince myself?”

“So that you can convince me,” Her quick answer betrayed her. Clarke gripped the edge of her seat. _Of course_ she wanted Lexa to convince her that this was a good idea. There were just a few things holding her back, but they were big things and she was scared that maybe these feelings they shared were bigger than anything she was prepared for.  “Are we just free to do what we want after this? You have to lead your people and I….I don’t even know what normalcy or _peace_ means for mine now that we’re on the ground.” Words were spilling from her mouth. It was a stream of consciousness, all the worries that she had pushed down to focus on the one task at hand of saving her friends. “We don’t even know how to live, really. And what if there’s conflict? We’ve known each other all of two weeks – I can’t have you making decisions you wouldn’t _for me_.”

“Clarke…”

“What if things don’t work out between us. What happens then? And if things do work, what if I’m not ready for what that means?”

Lexa cupped Clarke’s face with her hands. “As long as you are honest with me, it won’t matter.” She ducked her head so that their eyes were level. “And I with you.”

With that Lexa leaned in the rest of the way, kissing her softly. Clarke felt her heart skip a beat as their lips touched, all those thoughts whisked away. This certainly felt big, this felt like something that she wanted to work. Lexa’s hands were rough and calloused but gentle against her skin. Her lips were soft and tasted like sun and woods. She felt an ache deep within. Clarke wanted this. Her hands, unsteady, moved from the stool to Lexa’s arms.

Lexa pulled away, just barely.

“What are you doing?” Clarke breathed.

“Convincing you,” Lexa answered with a slight smile.

“I meant,” Clarke snaked her arms around Lexa’s neck, “why are you stopping?”

Lexa kissed her again, this time more purposeful now that she knew that this was what Clarke wanted. She used the extra height she had on the blonde due to her sitting to her advantage, tilting her head up to deepen the kiss.

Clarke inched to the edge of the stool, trying to get closer to the other girl. Her thighs brushed around Lexa’s hips. She leaned back, pulling the brunette with her.

This took Lexa by surprise and she had to catch them from tipping completely over with her hand against the seat. A laugh escaped Clarke’s lips as it tipped upright again. Funny, but not something that would be if it happened a second time and if they weren’t quick enough to stop them from crashing onto the hard metal floor.

Lexa pressed her forehead against Clarke’s. She kept eye contact with her as her hands moved to Clarke’s hips. Her eyes were a silent question. Her hands slid over her thighs, _was this okay?_

Clarke’s mouth felt dry. Her earlier worries seemed so silly. Things would work out, they’d make sure of it. She nodded and pulled Lexa – more carefully this time – into another kiss.

She hooked her legs around Lexa’s waist. The brunette’s grip tightened as she moved Clarke from the wobbly stool to the nearby table. The table was higher and now Clarke had height on her – a little too much to comfortably kiss her. It worked against her, Lexa now at perfect height to move her kisses down Clarke’s neck and chest.

Her skin flushed and her breath caught in her throat. She dug her heels into Lexa’s back. Clarke placed her hand over Lexa’s and guided it to her inner thigh.

Lexa mumbled an “are you certain?” that Clarke more felt against her than heard.

She made the motion to answer, but another sound entered the room.

A door opening. “Clarke, Bell-“ Raven froze in the doorway. An “Okay” came out, stilted. Lexa separated from Clarke with a dramatic slowness as if to further show how unhappy she was with being interrupted. Clarke avoided Raven’s eyes, but surprisingly it seemed as if she was the only one feeling horribly embarrassed about being walked in on.

Raven placed her hands on her hips. “Bellamy disabled the acid fog.” She reported. “I’d say get busy, but it seems you already-“

“Raven.” Clarke stopped her before she could say much more.

Lexa helped her down of off the table. “We’ll have to go marshal our forces,” she said and it seemed partially to remind Clarke and partially get her own head back in the game, “come.”

As they moved to leave, Raven caught Clarke by the arm. “So, how much are you going to pay me to not tell Abby?”

If she wasn’t already red, she would have blushed. Clarke shook it off and rolled her eyes, giving Raven a playful shove. “Oh, get out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading / commenting / kudos etc !   
> I hope you enjoyed this story (and my general not-knowing-how-to-end shorter fics)!   
> I have a few longer AUs i'm working on that hopefully I will get to posting soon as well :)


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